Part 3 Anxiety and Comparisons – Alexandra Serna Toro

Presenting my final exams, I had an anxiety attack.. I started to feel the beads of sweat running down my back and arms to the palms of my hands, then the exam sheet began to wrinkle, the sweat began to dilute the ink while solving some equations, my lungs shrunk and they did not receive enough air. My head was spinning and as if it were a bad joke the sheet of paper in front of me went blank, I started to feel my hands freezing and my hands clenched tightly around my eyes, and when I looked at the sheet again I was white. Scared, I handed over the sheet and I left the room and cried and cried and cried. I said no more, I don’t want a life full of this for me. I left engineering but continued with my studies in humanities. After a while, with great fear I decided to tell my father the truth and he with a silence more painful than any badly said word, he just didn’t speak to me anymore. After a while he understood how affected I was and how excited I was with this new beginning, and since my parents don’t talk to each other I would have to go through the same story with my mom again, I thought it would be easier and ooh surprise … With those eyes staring at me she said “So all that time was lost?”.

Now, complexed by age, I compared myself to my friends, I came to think that I lost years of my life as my mother said. Now I see what I gained was time, to get to know me, to discover myself, to grow, and thanks to that time it is that now I am what I am, and I love what I am. With time my parents have understood that I am a human being in search of my own way, now I give dance classes to children and young people, I have a job as an actress, a digital marketing assistant, I have my own sales business and study sociology. I assume that my obsession with having many activities is to show them that I can do what I like and satisfy their concept of success in my own way. Finally, the key is to understand that we all grow and face life at different rates, we all seek different goals and we have to fight for that, not to be equal to the front or to the side, let’s leave the homogeneity for chemistry, I’m sure that that way we will learn to fly.

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